Well. That was a lot of ridiculous fun.
As you may remember, we asked for 250 word stories about this good egg:
As the deadline ap-poached (sorry), you all soldiered on in the face of our terrible puns and produced some pretty wonderful tales. There was comedy and pathos; science fiction and silliness. We loved it.
Let’s see who’s getting custard-y (so sorry) of our stack of books:
RUNNER-UP: Nicky Tate
The Other Egg
I am the other. One of many others your body rejected and although it is gauche to point it out, Mother I must.
My nose would have been as large as hers but more in proportion to my face, permitting bold haircuts. I would have been resolute as lightning, and not instantly suicidal after a first kiss with a married man in Nando’s in Stevenage. Had you not been distracted and sulking that month, we could all be together now. Academically it is certain I would have excelled in a field more easily explained to your friends.
I would have been a better match.
A better daughter than she.
I would have found it easy to learn to walk, read and drive. To keep weight off. To feel no compulsion to hoard codeine. My tantrums would be reserved solely for later life, fighting for injustice, not going on and on and on and on about broken hearts. My heart would be impossible to crack – as hard as my shell; you see I had to use my own head to beat through? My feet to kick? Her shell was thin, any sperm could have penetrated. Even now I see her skin inhales and exhales the world, sending her into mithering sways.
I would have stood obelisk firm.
He would not have left.
WINNER: Simon Worswick
Hello My Darlings
‘Happy days are on their way
This is what you’ve got to say
It’s a happy day today – sing
Hello my darliiings’
The tannoy buzzed and frothed, spat out its Charlie Drake. Children ran darting, laughing, through the tree-trunk-crowd of keen impatient fathers. The weather gave the best of British, and the pleasing scent of tobacco drifted on the breeze.
Moving along the line of poolside beauties, the judge stopped at the next contestant. Straining up on tip-toe he fastened a pin to her bikini top. Then leaning in further, delivered a kiss, let it linger far too long. She blushed at his touch but her smile never wavered. The crowd gave their approval, whooped and whistled. Stood there sweating in shirts and suits, a wall of moustaches and eye-glasses.
‘Wear a grin upon your sleeve
Smile with your eyes
You will find to your surprise
Happiness will multiply.’
Then came the final contestant and the tannoy squeaked to silence. The wind whipped the bunting, ripples serrated the water.
Something was wrong. She could sense the gathered expressions hardening. Nevertheless, she maintained her pose, kept smiling, but still her eyes darted wildly.
The judge looked from contestant to aide, back and forth, as the perspiration ran.
‘No swim suit…?’ suggested the aide.
‘DISQUALIFIED ON A TECHNICALITY!’ announced the judge as the tannoy played out again.
‘Let it rain or let it shine
Everything will turn out fine
The whole darn world is yours and mine – sing
Congratulations, Nicky and Simon! And thanks to everyone who entered.
We’ll be back with a new prompt next week — happy weekends all.